Close the Loophole! – Universal Paid Leave Should Include Bereavement Leave
Due Monday, August 15th!
Earlier this year, you made phone calls, sent emails, called your friend in order to add paid bereavement leave to our nation’s policy conversations. You did it and it was the first time Washington included paid bereavement leave to its paid leave agenda, an amazing accomplishment.
In classic Washington fashion, however, Congress passed a law that provides two weeks of paid leave for the death of a child, but only if you are a federal employee. While it’s a step forward, we believe that all employees deserve the confidence to know that they will not be fired in the aftermath of losing someone they love.
So, what now?
Today, the average American can be fired for not showing up to work the day after their child – or spouse, or domestic partner, or a parent, or a sibling – dies. And, it’s perfectly legal.
We must close this loophole as millions of Americans are grieving the deaths of loved ones. With concurrent mortality epidemics raging across the United States, we must act now to ensure everyday Americans, like me and like you, have the ability to take paid leave following a loss.
For the next two weeks, Congress is accepting stories from parents who have experienced challenges due to the lack of “universal paid leave.”
They need to hear from you NOW!
Here’s how:
You can submit one of the following:
Short video (30 – 90 seconds);mp4 format; filmed horizontally if possible OR
Grief is a powerful dual-edged emotion that can result in a dull, undulating pain which can be paralyzing and suffocating or, if channeled appropriately, can swell into rage and anger that moves each of us — or societies — to do things that once seemed impossible. Such collective grief, outrage and injustice sparked the “fierce urgency of Now” movement against gradualism decades ago and, I believe, resulted in the election of President Barack Obama, our nation’s first Black president more than forty years later.
Today, we are inanother unique, but tenuous moment that has the potential to move our nation toward unity as the verdict from the deaths of Messrs. Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber was announced, and another verdict for the death of Mr. Ahmaud Arbery hangs in the balance. How we respond in this moment — to our neighbors, in our communities and to our fellow Americans — can make all the difference in a united future. Indeed, future generations and our children will reflect on this moment and judge how we responded to these tragedies and to our fellow Americans.
However, it is not incumbent on us alone to repair this nation. Our nation’s leadership must respond to these crises with the same “fierce urgency of Now” that was required many years ago. Today, the Build Back Better Act passed the U.S. House of Representatives, our nation’s leaders beamed as they touted the “honor of passing legislation for the people.” But these are the very same leaders who stripped job and wage protections for millions of newly bereaved Americans during a pandemic and concurrency of devastation that has resulted in most of us having at least one, and in some cases more, empty chairs at our holiday tables.
If today’s verdict and legislation are a reflection of our values, perhaps we should all be reexamining America’s values, power structures and leaders to determine if they align with the collective experiences of everyday Americans like me and like you.
I am one of those newly bereaved Americans with two empty chairs at our dinner table this year, but I am far from alone. We are a nation in mourning and no one is exempt. With more than 765,000 deaths from COVID-19 alone and multiple mortality epidemics from overdose, suicide, homicide, maternal mortality, mass murder events, and impending disasters from climate change, death, grief, and mourning are raging in every community and touching most hearts in America.
We can no longer afford to be a nation divided or allow our leaders to remain disconnected from our shared life experiences. Let us shed our differences and attend to our common pains because Americanism will be measured and remembered by how we show up for one another during these paralyzing and suffocating moments. We must allow our collective grief to alter this state of chaos and begin to sew our common bonds of shared humanity toward love and brotherhood.
We must say: You’re not alone. We will not allow the quicksands of grief or injustice to swallow you. I will stand next to you. I will outstretch my hand and hold you tight.
This is our unique moment to harness the power of grief and “make real the promise of democracy.” So that forty years from now, more remarkable advancements in America will become our shared reality.
So, what can you do?
In this delicate moment, here are five suggestions:
1) Go outside your comfort zone and make a new friend.
Seek a person who you know has lost a loved one and with whom your values may not be aligned. Get to know them. Get to know their loved one. Do not allow others to drive your perceptions.
2) Support Black and Brown voices.
As these verdicts emerge, use your voice and use your hand to help and hold our fellow Americans to let them know that you stand with them.
3) Hold your federal officials accountable.
Call your U.S. elected officials and ask why paid bereavement leave was stripped from the Build Back Better Act during a global pandemic and multiple mortality crises? Call (202) 224–3121 and ask for your federal official.
4) Show your elected officials who you have lost.
Send a photo of your loved one to your elected officials and let them know that people like you would benefit from advancements in bereavement policies, programs and investments.
5) Tag us on social and let us know who you have lost.
Who will not be at your dinner table this holiday season? We want to know.
The creators behind a new documentary set to air on public media channels across the country in May want to start a national conversation about a topic that many shy away from — grief.
The goals for “Speaking Grief” are twofold: to validate the experience of grief through the stories of those mourning the death of family members and also to make it easier for the rest of us to support the grieving.
So many times, says Lindsey Whissel Fenton, the senior producer at WPSU who is producing, directing, and writing the documentary portion of the multiplatform Speaking Grief initiative, friends, neighbors and coworkers want to support those who are grieving a death, but don’t know what to say or do or how to help.
“People are left without tools and, unfortunately, that often leads to them disappearing because they fear saying the wrong thing or because they feel ill-prepared,” she says. “We felt the biggest value we could add was to help educate people who find themselves in a support role. We wanted to address those feelings of discomfort by giving them a basic understanding of grief as well as suggestions for how to go about offering support, so they can show up for their people even when they feel uncomfortable.”
Universal interest
Although Fenton has experienced death-related loss, there was no single, life-defining personal experience that spurred Fenton to make “Speaking Grief,” though, she said, many people assume she must have a profound grief story that sparked her interest in the topic. A now-retired colleague, Patty Satalia, originally came up with the idea years ago, and it took a while to gain traction.
But people’s assumption that a personal loss story is the only reason Fenton would focus her creative efforts on a topic so many would prefer not to broach is telling, Fenton says. “What is interesting is that people come at this with the assumption that somebody would only care about grief if they are directly affected by it.”
In reality, she said, we all will struggle with grief at different points in our lives — and we all will grapple with how to help a close friend or family member who is mourning a death.
“Eventually, it will affect all of us,” she says. “And even if you haven’t personally experienced it yet, it’s something we all have a stake in and need to get better at.”
Different places, varied experiences
The hour-long documentary, produced by WPSU Penn State and distributed by American Public Television (APT), highlights a collection of people from across the country who are grieving a family member’s death. “We wanted to show people who are at different places in the grief journey in terms of when the death occurred,” Fenton says.
Some have just experienced a death in the past year or two. For others, it’s been longer. Either way, Fenton wanted to demonstrate that grief is an ongoing experience — not some one-and-done process with a finite timeline.
At the same time, the documentary highlights different kinds of losses as well — a son who died in a car accident, a boy and his grandmother who died in a fire, a stillborn baby, a husband and father who died from brain cancer — to illustrate how those experiences can shape the grief experience.
Throughout the documentary, Fenton uses commentary from grief professionals to provide some clarity to the themes featured in each of those personal stories — such as explaining how children grieve in unexpected ways and why secondary losses, like when friends or family vanish because they don’t know how to provide support, occur.
“When you realize what people go through in addition to the actual death event, it’s shocking and sometimes difficult to hear,” Fenton says. “On top of losing someone you love, you experience all of this other loss. You experience the loss of friends, the loss of financial security. All of these things that you might not realize if you haven’t gone through this type of experience yourself.”
Bringing all together
“Speaking Grief” is a multi-platform project that also includes social media campaigns via Facebook and Instagram and a website that will feature a growing number of personal stories, videos and resources. The film’s trailer was released in January.
Just the launch of the trailer has already generated positive feedback from people from around the world, says Cassie Marsh-Caldwell, project manager. “The amount of people who just simply took the time to email and tell us a little bit about their own personal story and say thank you” was surprising, she says. So were the groups who reached out — grief organizations, along with nursing colleges, educators and funeral directors, among others.
Plans originally included in-person premiere events in April though those plans have changed because of the need for social distancing during the coronavirus pandemic. Public media stations across the country also are scheduling broadcast dates for “Speaking Grief” starting in May and continuing throughout the year.
Fenton is hopeful the documentary and web content will bring together both those who are grieving and those who are seeking to support them, providing a safe space for each group to learn from the other.
“It can be a very emotional space, but we want to create the kind of dialogue where people can ask questions and not be afraid to make a blunder in the interest of learning, so maybe the next time they are confronted with grief, they can feel a little bit more prepared,” she says. “We need everybody to engage in this and think about the role they can play in helping all of us get better at grief.”
Kelly Farley and Barry Kluger are the dads behind the Parental Bereavement Act.
Evermore is dedicating this Father’s Day week to bereaved dads who will always be fathers.
Kelly Farley and Barry Kluger met because of a horrible coincidence: They knew what it was like to mourn a child.
For Kluger, it was his 18-year-old daughter Erica, who died in a car crash in 2001. For Farley, it was two children — his daughter Katie, who died by miscarriage in 2004, and his son Noah, who was stillborn in 2006.
The two met several years later after Farley launched a blog that covered his own experience grieving the death of his children, and Kluger invited him on his talk radio show.
As they chatted about what they both had been through, the two fathers started talking about finding an issue they could work on together. That discussion eventually turned to better bereavement leave for parents mourning the death of their child. Soon, they became the dads behind the Parental Bereavement Act.
“Your employer will give you three or five days of bereavement leave, if you’re lucky. That’s just not enough time. You bury your child, and you’re expected to get back to work the next day. We didn’t think it was realistic.”
Updating FMLA
Right now, the Family and Medical Leave Act gives eligible employees 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a newborn or a sick family member, but not to grieve a child who has died. And private and public employers aren’t doing much better. An industry survey shows that 69 percent of employers give parents just three days off after a son or daughter dies. It’s barely enough time to plan a funeral.
In 2011, Farley and Kluger crafted the Parental Bereavement Act, an update to the Family and Medical Leave Act that would allow parents to qualify for unpaid leave when a child, who is under the age of 18, dies. Twelve weeks, they say, is not enough time to fully mourn a child, but it’s a start.
“It gives them time to assess what has happened to them and, maybe, start the grieving process,” Farley said.
Not so fast
By the summer of 2011, the two dads got some great news. Sen. Jon Tester, a Democrat from Montana, introduced the bill in the Senate. They hoped for quick action, which hasn’t come. But the bill has continued to get backing from lawmakers through the years. And, in February, it received bipartisan support in the U.S. House and U.S. Senate.
Supporters said it was time to help grieving parents. Senator Martha McSally, a Republican from Arizona and a co-sponsor of the bill in the Senate, stated in a news release:
“Parents coming to grips with the loss of a child should not have to worry about anything other than taking care of themselves and their loved ones,” said . “It is critically important to ensuring mourning parents have the peace of mind to be able to take the time they need while going through the grieving process.”
Representative Don Beyer, a Democrat from Virginia and a co-sponsor of the House bill, added in his press release:
“Expanding the FMLA to include parental bereavement is the most compassionate action we can take to do something, no matter how small, to help bereaved families. This legislation is a good start to make a positive change and I’m proud to support it.”
The latest endorsements make Kluger and Farley hopeful once more.
“We continue to build momentum and support, and a couple of weeks don’t go by without another senator or another representative signing on,” Kluger said. “We’re hopeful, but we’re looking at the bigger picture because there are so many people who have a stake in this.”
Uphill battle
Despite the bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, the two know that they still have an uphill battle. As the country grapples with an opioid epidemic, mass shootings and other pressing issues, helping bereaved parents isn’t top of mind for many.
Kluger and Farley continue to build momentum and support, and say that a couple of weeks don’t go by without another senator or another representative signing on.
“Bereavement leave is something where people say, ‘That’s a pretty good idea,’ but … the passion is not there,” said Kluger, who wrote a book about his daughter and her death called “A Life Undone: A Father’s Journey Through Loss.”
But, they say, it’s still worth the fight.
“I made it through the dark tunnel, and it is my responsibility to be an advocate for parents who follow in our footsteps,” said Farley, who now travels the country to work with grieving fathers and is the author of the book, “Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.”
Say something
To move the bill forward, Farley and Kluger are encouraging more people to speak out. So far, through an online petition, more than 120,000 people have sent messages to their lawmakers in support of the bill. There, parents also are sharing their own experiences after the death of a child.
“Three years ago we lost our first born. My husband received one weekend, then back to work,” wrote one mother. “How can you return to work when your mind and heart are somewhere else completely. We needed more time!”
Another mother wrote that her child’s father was fired for missing work to pick up their son’s ashes.
The two dads also encourage people to directly contact their representatives and share their own stories about why they support the bill, so that it gets the attention it deserves.
“I’m not discouraged,” Kluger said. “But I’ve learned the way it works. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.”
Also read:
Am I Still a Father? — After his son Jon’s death, Ron Kelly helps other fathers live with their grief.
Camp Erin is the largest national bereavement program for kids and teens ages 6 to 17 who are mourning the death of someone close to them. Photo courtesy of Frank McKenna.
Evermore is giving focus to younger siblings who have suffered the death of a brother or sister. During the summer months, many surviving siblings are away from the structure and support system that school provides. Being with caring adults and peers who share their experience is extremely important. Bereaved parents are often so devastated by the death of their child, they can’t be there for their surviving children in the way they want to and need to be.
To some, Karen Phelps Moyer seems to have immersed herself in sadness and grief. In 2002, Moyer, a mother of eight who lives in southern California, helped found Camp Erin, the largest national bereavement program for kids and teens ages 6 to 17 who are mourning the death of someone close to them.
The free weekend camp serves more than 3,600 campers who attend camp in 53 sessions across 46 locations. There, among others who are mourning, they talk about their loved ones and their grief, and they have some fun too.
It’s one of several efforts Moyer is involved in to support people navigating life’s hardships. Eluna, the nonprofit that runs the camp, was founded in 2000 by Moyer and former Major League Baseball pitcher Jamie Moyer. Eluna runs a series of programs supporting thousands of children and families annually all at no cost to families, including Camp Mariposa, a program for kids affected by a family member’s substance abuse. Moyer has also launched a business to help widows date again.
Karen Moyer co-founded Camp Erin — the largest national bereavement program for kids. “I think that no child should grieve alone. I really believe that and live that,” Moyer said.
For many, discussions about grief and death aren’t easy, but Moyer says she finds hope in her work with those who are struggling.
We checked in with her to learn more about her work with Camp Erin and how grieving children can benefit from attending a grief camp.
Q. How did the foundation come about?
A.I was married to a professional baseball player and through our journey, we were around other people and kids, who were in some type of distress. We met a young woman named Erin through Make-A-Wish and got to be a part of her last two years of her life as she battled cancer. We knew her family. I had known about a [bereavement] camp that was in the area where I grew up in Indiana.
When she was passing, we thought this would be a great way to honor her — to model that camp and name it after her. We were thinking about her sisters as they grieved. So Camp Erin started. We partnered with the hospice that her family had used. And it grew exponentially across the United States and Canada as a model for camp for kids ages 6 to 17 who grieve the loss, sometimes multiple losses, of people close to them.
Q. How do kids experience grieve differently? What’s most difficult for them beyond the loss?
A.I find children to be pretty resilient. I find it depends on how they’ve lost their loved one.
A tragic loss, certainly the suicide losses, are much harder to deal with. We teach them how to memorialize them and how to remember them. We give them an opportunity to say goodbye.
Q. What is it about this issue that has touched you so much that you would want to be around it all the time? Death is a hard thing to talk about for so many.
A.I grew up in a family where my dad’s dad was an undertaker. And when I was with my grandfather when he was passing, I was comforted by hospice.
It does take a unique set of personality traits to comfort these kids, but my whole heart is just with them. I feel their sadness and I’m grateful that there is a place for them to go and have fun and they are getting better and they don’t even realize it.
Q. What tips do you have for parents who are sending their children to a program like yours?
A.Trust the history of what we’ve been doing. Trust the incredible model and that we partner with people who are experts. This is what professionals who work in grief do all the time, working in grief, whether it’s a bereavement organization or hospice.
Karen Phelps Moyer and some campers.
And actually, I think, at the end of the day, there is gratitude because I think when parents are grieving the loss and you are just trying to hold it all together, having their child at Camp Erin becomes a moment where maybe parents can focus on themselves. They know their child is being taken care of, and it’s helpful to them, but also helpful to parents.
The camp is a silver lining in a bucket of sadness.
Q. Are there any specific stories or moments at a camp that you’ve experienced that have really stuck with you?
A.Every time I go to camp, I am touched. And my heart is absolutely filled with these kids and their stories and their sadness and their smiles and their laughter that they get in during those 2 1/2 days at camp.
I’m always touched by the littles. They are as young as six at our camp. Typically, on a Friday, they are pretty exhausted because of their week, but then they get to release these emotions and it turns into fun. I’m very touched by the teens. Who in their teens wants to go to a grief camp? But they come, make friends and now with social media, they can stay in touch. It becomes quite a gift. And I marvel at the kids that come as campers and come back as counselors.
Q. That happens often?
A.Yes, it does. And truthfully, it’s the kids who kicked and screamed when they came to camp … A lot of them are still continuing to heal from sadness that they had losing a loved one when they were younger, but they are giving back. On so many levels, there are so many beautiful things to witness.
Q. What are your hopes for the future of Camp Erin?
A.I think that no child should grieve alone. I really believe that and live that. My hope and my wish is that there are Camp Erins everywhere.
At the same time, as we figure out how to reach more kids, we must recognize that grief is important to discuss and to support on all levels and to sometimes just be a good listener and just be somebody who gives good hugs. That, in and of itself, can go a long way.
A leading expert in child death investigations talks about his unlikely career.
A parent’s response to grief comes in many forms. And, after decades as a medical examiner, Dr. Thomas Andrew, among the country’s leading experts on child death, knows all about that.
Andrew is New Hampshire’s former chief medical examiner and spent decades conducting autopsies and describing to loved ones, often parents, about why somebody died.
Some are angry. Unlike in television crime shows, autopsies often don’t uncover an exact cause of death. In the case of one 15-month-old, however, Andrew did. An immune disorder that led to a widespread infection killed the child. But the parents, recent Russian immigrants who didn’t understand IVs and technology, didn’t believe it.
“They were convinced the child was killed by some sort of fluid mismanagement in the hospital,” Andrew said. “What I was trying to get across to them, which was hugely important, is that it’s a genetic disease. They needed genetic counseling. They need to strongly consider family planning going forward, but they were having none of it.”
In other cases, from the depths of their grief, they find unbelievable kindness. Andrew still gets emotional talking about the case of a seven-year-old boy who died during a pick-up basketball game. Andrew’s autopsy revealed that the boy had an undiagnosed congenital heart condition.
“When I called his father, and I explained what the findings were, he said, ‘Doc, I don’t know how you do this day after day,’ and he said, ‘How are you doing?’” Andrew remembers. “I just fell off my chair. Even as I tell the story now, I can’t believe he found the strength to ask that question. I just wanted to say, ‘Are you kidding buddy? Don’t think about me.’ That was an amazing, amazing experience.”
In his decades talking to mourning parents, “if you can imagine everything in between those two extremes,” he said, “I’ve seen it.”
An unlikely move
Andrew didn’t set out to spend his career analyzing why somebody died. It began with the goal of helping young people live. Fresh out of medical school, Andrew worked as a pediatrician — and loved parts of it, especially interacting with the kids.
“They bring so much to the table,” he said. “They are such intellectual sponges and are really curious about everything.”
But he didn’t enjoy the frenzied daily pace of ear checks and camp physicals. “I’m a plodder by nature,” he said. “I like to look at things from many different angles, and that didn’t fit with that model.”
At the same time, the cases that really engaged his intellect as a pediatrician were those that included aspects of forensic medicine, such as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, consumer product safety issues and incidents of neglect.
Forensic medicine wasn’t a new topic for him. In medical school, a series of lectures in a basic pathology class captivated him and, as a senior, he completed a pathology rotation. Eventually, he made the switch to forensics.
Trying to answer, ‘Why?’
The job shifted from dealing daily with the living to studying the dead and explaining to their loved ones why they died. Andrew’s career took him from Ohio to New York City and, in 1997, to New Hampshire. Before retiring in 2017, he had conducted more than 5,200 autopsies to explain a sudden, unexpected or violent death.
And, with his training and work as a pediatrician, he carved out what he calls “a bit of a niche” in child deaths, focusing some of his writings on the topic. Today, Andrew’s White Mountain Forensic Consulting Services specializes in reviewing medical records and autopsies and testifying about deaths in criminal and civil cases.
Throughout his career, there was a common frustration: He couldn’t uncover why a child had died, yet he knew a family was desperate for answers.
In New Hampshire, parents often had two questions: Why did my baby die? And will this happen to my next one? They were queries that Andrew, many times, couldn’t fully answer.
But, despite their anguish and a lack of clear-cut answers, he said, it’s critical for medical examiners to be intellectually honest with families.
“To feel like you haven’t helped that family is a really empty and desolate feeling, but there is nothing crueler than a kind lie,” he said. “You’ve got to be totally honest with people when you don’t know those answers.”
And when they deliver their discoveries to families, medical examiners must be prepared to tailor their message to their audience. Empathy, he said, is critical in every conversation. If they can’t be sensitive to a specific family’s needs, they need to find a social worker or grief counselor who can. “They do more harm than good by being a bull in a china shop,” he said.
For families who seek answers, Andrew said their path doesn’t have to end with an inconclusive autopsy. He encourages parents to send their child’s case to researchers and groups, such as the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Project, who are investigating particular health issues and causes of death.
“That’s what’s going to get answers sooner than later,” he said.
Finding the ‘trifecta’
These days, when he’s not testifying in a court case or reviewing medical records, Andrew is working on a master’s degree in divinity. He hopes to eventually become the full-time chaplain for the Daniel Webster Council of the Boy Scouts in New Hampshire. Both his faith and his involvement in Boy Scouts have provided a necessary relief from the seriousness of his day job.
And, after years of uncovering what bad decisions may have killed a person — whether it was drug abuse, dangerous driving or other unhealthy lifestyle choices — he’ll get to be on the front end of public health, providing tools for young people to help them make better decisions.
“Guiding these young people to make moral and ethical decisions, not only for their own sake, but the sake of others, it’s the trifecta,” he said. “I’ll get to do all these things that I love.”
So many times, says Lindsey Whissel Fenton, the senior producer at WPSU who is producing, directing, and writing the documentary portion of the multiplatform Speaking Grief initiative, friends, neighbors and coworkers want to support those who are grieving a death, but don’t know what to say or do or how to help.
But people’s assumption that a personal loss story is the only reason Fenton would focus her creative efforts on a topic so many would prefer not to broach is telling, Fenton says. “What is interesting is that people come at this with the assumption that somebody would only care about grief if they are directly affected by it.”
At the same time, the documentary highlights different kinds of losses as well — a son who died in a car accident, a boy and his grandmother who died in a fire, a stillborn baby, a husband and father who died from brain cancer — to illustrate how those experiences can shape the grief experience.
Plans originally included in-person premiere events in April though those plans have changed because of the need for social distancing during the coronavirus pandemic. Public media stations across the country also are scheduling broadcast dates for “Speaking Grief” starting in May and continuing throughout the year.
