Why Is Our Nation So Far Behind In Grief and Bereavement Services and Policies?
National Grief Awareness Day — observed annually on August 30 — was created by Angie Cartwright, who’s experienced immense grief in her life after the loss of her baby sister, newlywed husband, and mother. She helped establish this day of awareness in 2014, coinciding with her mother’s birthday, to encourage open and honest communication centering the myriad ways we cope with loss and bereavement, and to remind us all to support the people we know who are grieving.
“Grief is the unique emotional response following the death of someone meaningful in your life,” says Evermore founder Joyal Mulheron. “It’s a term commonly used for anyone grieving a difficult change, like grieving our old lives before Covid.”
Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one at some point in their life, and this loss is seldom easy to accept or process. Each individual will experience grief differently, and unpredictably — it can wax and wane, reemerge at unexpected times, and linger longer than we’d like.
Coinciding with the grief process is bereavement — “the death event and surrounding systems, policies, and interactions that people experience in the aftermath of losing someone,” says Mulheron. “Bereavement includes the interactions a grieving person may have with institutions and people.”
Bereavement and grief are terms that are often used interchangeably, but their meanings are distinct. Although they can work in tandem, they are dealt with differently.
For example, if a mother loses her child, she must not only navigate the emotional toll of her loss, but potentially do so with limited time off of work, because federal policy for bereaved parents only requires two weeks of paid leave for bereaved individuals.
In this way, the feelings of anguish and sorrow that come with grief can make the bereavement process tumultuous, overwhelming, or disorienting. And vice versa. But understanding the difference between grief and bereavement can help people navigate a complex, often difficult coping process.
While the unexpected or untimely death of a loved one is one of the most common traumatic events Americans experience, the journey through these events often remain invisible due to a lack of awareness about how policy decisions and institutional processes impact grief and bereavement.
Researchers and policy-makers have long overlooked questions and statistics around bereavement. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the largest monitor of health and wellness in the US, collects data on mortality events but overlooks the residual impacts — systemic, physical, and emotional — on surviving family and friends after a death event.
Bereavement has so little institutional support behind it, yet people can encounter these system deficiencies almost everywhere — the workplace, law enforcement interactions, the child welfare system, schools, federal benefits, health care, and housing. This neglect has created a public health problem with profound implications for the social and economic well-being of families, communities, and the nation as a whole.
For instance, when a child experiences the premature death of a parent, it can be difficult to find a qualified therapist or suitable in-school counselor. When compared to non-bereaved children, bereaved children experience lower self-esteem, lower grades, and more school failures, along with the heightened risk of depression, suicide, and premature death.
Individuals who are exposed to death at early ages are more vulnerable to negative social and health outcomes for the rest of their lives. These experiences cause greater cumulative disadvantages, induce greater levels of stress, and deplete financial resources.
For Indigenous, Black, and Latino people, and also people experiencing poverty, these deficiencies in our public and private systems have a disproportionate negative effect, creating additional challenges for the nation’s most vulnerable families for years following the loss of a loved one.
At Evermore, we believe bereavement care in America is broken. Which is why we’re committed toshifting policy and bringing more awareness to these issues — and how they impact real families — so that grieving can happen more naturally and loved ones can support when they need it more than ever.
With Teacher Shortages, Community Programs for Grieving Kids Are More Important Than Ever
With the back to school season in full swing, all of us with students in our homes have probably heard about the critical shortage of teachers. Reports say that our country lacks a whopping 300,000 teachers and support staff.
In an interview with ABC News, Becky Pringle, the president of the National Educators Association, said, “We know that this has been a chronic problem. This is not new. We have been sounding the alarm for almost a decade and a half that we have a crisis in the number of students who are going into the teaching profession and the number of teachers who are leaving it.”
This shortage should come as no surprise though. Pringle raises an important point – our country has placed so many burdens on educators over the years, and with all things, the pandemic has exacerbated the problem.
She said,”The concerns that our educators and parents have raised, which are playing out, [and] played out last year… is that we had to double-up classes.[Also] we had to not necessarily offer the special education services that our special education students need. We knew that there were too many educators who were overwhelmed by the number of students that they were trying to meet the individual needs of, and we don’t have enough substitutes.”
Considering everything that has been forced onto educators’ plates, adding unofficial grief counseling seems likes a bridge too far. Adding more under-resourced tasks to their already hefty workload, is not an approach our country can afford to take. It sets up students to not get the adequate support they need to be academically ready and it puts even more of a burden on the leaders in our classrooms.
When I read articles about the teacher shortage, it makes me commit even more to the work we are undertaking at Evermore – building communities to address the impact of childhood bereavement. We are working to uplift community projects across the country.
The Time Is Now to Invest in Grieving Young People
Recently, NPR covered a fascinating club for teenage students experiencing the death of a parent. The article follows the story of a high school sophomore named Elizabeth, whose father passed from COVID-19 last year. More than anything, this reporting shows that the time is now to invest in community-centered programs for grieving young people and that our approaches should include all children experiencing grief.
Elizabeth George, 15, was a freshman in high school when her father died from Covid-19 last October. Since his death, she has struggled to regain a sense of normalcy. “I have difficulties even going [out] with my friends,” she says. “I just want to sleep at home.”
Rhitu Chaterjee writes, “His death turned Elizabeth’s world upside down. In the weeks that followed, she found herself not wanting to leave her house. ‘I didn’t want to go to school,’ she says. ‘I just wanted to stay at home.”
It’s important to point out that children, unlike adults, have to continue to go to school. There is no pause or time off for them. Sometimes, these children simply fall behind in school and in life because they are often facing compounding instability at home. Some lose their housing, experience food insecurity, loss of health care coverage among other hardships. Children who seek post-secondary education opportunities face enormous academic stressors — like how grades will impact their path to college or how they will pay for it. We believe no child should face these hardships.
Chaterjee continues: “Losing a parent in childhood is the kind of trauma that can change the trajectory of kids’ lives, putting them at risk of having symptoms of anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress and even poor educational outcomes.”
To be frank, this is an understatement and scratches the surface at the impact of childhood bereavement. Childhood bereavement experts have found that when compared to non-bereaved children, bereaved children are at risk of “lower self-esteem, reduced resilience, lower grades and more school failures, heightened risk of depression, suicide attempts, suicide [completions], and premature death due to any cause as a result of their loss, drug abuse, violent crime involvement, youth delinquency, and a greater number of, and more severe, psychiatric difficulties.”
Keanna Tyson holds on to her backpack during a group session at Steve’s Club in Atlantic High School. The Club meets every twice a month to talk about what they are going through. Saul Martinez for NPR
Please check out the full article and let us know what you think. We have a long way to go to address the needs of bereaved children, but it’s encouraging to know that we are not alone in this fight!
Close the Loophole! – Universal Paid Leave Should Include Bereavement Leave
Due Monday, August 15th!
Earlier this year, you made phone calls, sent emails, called your friend in order to add paid bereavement leave to our nation’s policy conversations. You did it and it was the first time Washington included paid bereavement leave to its paid leave agenda, an amazing accomplishment.
In classic Washington fashion, however, Congress passed a law that provides two weeks of paid leave for the death of a child, but only if you are a federal employee. While it’s a step forward, we believe that all employees deserve the confidence to know that they will not be fired in the aftermath of losing someone they love.
So, what now?
Today, the average American can be fired for not showing up to work the day after their child – or spouse, or domestic partner, or a parent, or a sibling – dies. And, it’s perfectly legal.
We must close this loophole as millions of Americans are grieving the deaths of loved ones. With concurrent mortality epidemics raging across the United States, we must act now to ensure everyday Americans, like me and like you, have the ability to take paid leave following a loss.
For the next two weeks, Congress is accepting stories from parents who have experienced challenges due to the lack of “universal paid leave.”
They need to hear from you NOW!
Here’s how:
You can submit one of the following:
Short video (30 – 90 seconds);mp4 format; filmed horizontally if possible OR
Grief is a powerful dual-edged emotion that can result in a dull, undulating pain which can be paralyzing and suffocating or, if channeled appropriately, can swell into rage and anger that moves each of us — or societies — to do things that once seemed impossible. Such collective grief, outrage and injustice sparked the “fierce urgency of Now” movement against gradualism decades ago and, I believe, resulted in the election of President Barack Obama, our nation’s first Black president more than forty years later.
Today, we are inanother unique, but tenuous moment that has the potential to move our nation toward unity as the verdict from the deaths of Messrs. Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber was announced, and another verdict for the death of Mr. Ahmaud Arbery hangs in the balance. How we respond in this moment — to our neighbors, in our communities and to our fellow Americans — can make all the difference in a united future. Indeed, future generations and our children will reflect on this moment and judge how we responded to these tragedies and to our fellow Americans.
However, it is not incumbent on us alone to repair this nation. Our nation’s leadership must respond to these crises with the same “fierce urgency of Now” that was required many years ago. Today, the Build Back Better Act passed the U.S. House of Representatives, our nation’s leaders beamed as they touted the “honor of passing legislation for the people.” But these are the very same leaders who stripped job and wage protections for millions of newly bereaved Americans during a pandemic and concurrency of devastation that has resulted in most of us having at least one, and in some cases more, empty chairs at our holiday tables.
If today’s verdict and legislation are a reflection of our values, perhaps we should all be reexamining America’s values, power structures and leaders to determine if they align with the collective experiences of everyday Americans like me and like you.
I am one of those newly bereaved Americans with two empty chairs at our dinner table this year, but I am far from alone. We are a nation in mourning and no one is exempt. With more than 765,000 deaths from COVID-19 alone and multiple mortality epidemics from overdose, suicide, homicide, maternal mortality, mass murder events, and impending disasters from climate change, death, grief, and mourning are raging in every community and touching most hearts in America.
We can no longer afford to be a nation divided or allow our leaders to remain disconnected from our shared life experiences. Let us shed our differences and attend to our common pains because Americanism will be measured and remembered by how we show up for one another during these paralyzing and suffocating moments. We must allow our collective grief to alter this state of chaos and begin to sew our common bonds of shared humanity toward love and brotherhood.
We must say: You’re not alone. We will not allow the quicksands of grief or injustice to swallow you. I will stand next to you. I will outstretch my hand and hold you tight.
This is our unique moment to harness the power of grief and “make real the promise of democracy.” So that forty years from now, more remarkable advancements in America will become our shared reality.
So, what can you do?
In this delicate moment, here are five suggestions:
1) Go outside your comfort zone and make a new friend.
Seek a person who you know has lost a loved one and with whom your values may not be aligned. Get to know them. Get to know their loved one. Do not allow others to drive your perceptions.
2) Support Black and Brown voices.
As these verdicts emerge, use your voice and use your hand to help and hold our fellow Americans to let them know that you stand with them.
3) Hold your federal officials accountable.
Call your U.S. elected officials and ask why paid bereavement leave was stripped from the Build Back Better Act during a global pandemic and multiple mortality crises? Call (202) 224–3121 and ask for your federal official.
4) Show your elected officials who you have lost.
Send a photo of your loved one to your elected officials and let them know that people like you would benefit from advancements in bereavement policies, programs and investments.
5) Tag us on social and let us know who you have lost.
Who will not be at your dinner table this holiday season? We want to know.
For 25 years, visual artist Suzanne Brennan Firstenberg has comforted families in mourning as a hospice volunteer. And with each new family she’s consoled came lessons about the scope of grief, its impact, and the lack of spaces for people to express their deep sorrow.
Firstenberg brings those experiences to her latest work — a sprawling public art exhibition that honors the 684,400 people and counting who have died from COVID-19 in the United States. “In America: Remember” opened on Sept. 17 and runs through Oct. 3 on the National Mall in Washington, DC.
The display features lines of white flags, evocative of the white headstones in Arlington National Cemetery. Each flag represents an individual who has died from COVID during the pandemic. Visitors are encouraged to dedicate flags to friends and family who died from the illness. People who can’t visit Washington, DC., can share details about their loved one online through InAmericaFlags.org, and volunteers will inscribe the flag and plant it in the exhibit.
Since its opening, Firstenberg has seen middle-aged men break down for the first time. One woman told her she finally realized, after seeing the exhibit, that she wasn’t alone in her grief. And those reactions point to a bigger problem, Firstenberg said in an interview with Evermore.
“We need to stop and realize that America is hurting badly,” she said. “We have to stop and find a way to heal America. And we have to find a way to learn how to deal with death and loss in our community.”
Amazing acts of caring’
For Firstenberg, it all started last year with outrage after some were discounting the deaths of older adults and people of color, who face higher rates of serious health impacts and death from COVID. In fall 2020, as the total number of COVID deaths climbed into the 200,000s, she opened a similar exhibit, called “In America: How Could This Happen,” outside RFK Stadium in Washington.
Photograph by Philip Metlin
“I realized that the number of people who we had lost in this pandemic had become so large that it became easy to ignore,” she said.
“I had to, as a visual artist, use my art to help people identify the enormity of our loss.
“I knew I wanted to do art that would help people visually translate the cumulative death toll into something physical and something they could experience.”
But outrage hasn’t sustained her; the deep expressions of care and emotion from the people who visited the original exhibit did. She remembers a director from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention who traveled from Georgia to snap a picture of the display and share it with their team. And there was an ER doctor who wrote out the names of a dozen patients he had lost to COVID on flags and pushed them into the ground before he went on to his next shift.
“I began last fall with a great deal of outrage,” she said. “But when I did that art installation, so many people brought their caring and their grief and their respect and love for those they have lost, and I saw such amazing acts of caring.”
Grief on ‘America’s stage’
This time, the exhibit extends beyond DC in two important ways. People who can’t travel to the nation’s capital can share details online about their loved one, who will then be honored with a flag in the exhibit. The placement along the National Mall, Firstenberg said, is another critical difference when considering the pandemic’s reach across the country.
Photograph by Jonathan Thorpe
“This is America’s stage,” she said of the National Mall. “We have brought America’s lost to its most important space.”
Just like the original exhibit, “In America” encourages participation. It’s designed that way, Firstenberg said, because she knows from her work with hospice that action supports the grieving process. Planting flags in the ground for loved ones is a public way for people to express their grief. The action of walking through the immense field of flags is another way to trigger understanding, she said.
As visitors glance down to read the names and stories of COVID’s victims, no longer is the death toll a number, but a representation of individuals — like the 99-year-old man who eschewed a ventilator to save somebody younger, as one flag notes, and the people who loved him.
Photograph by Jonathan Thorpe
“Each individual flag represents concentric circles of grief — the family, friends, the neighbors, the co-workers, the members of their faith community, and those medical workers who fought so hard to save that life,” she said. “They grieve too.”
Finding hope
Until the exhibit closes, each day at noon, Firstenberg will push more flags into the National Mall as the COVID death count ticks higher. But, despite being surrounded by this sprawling representation of death and grief, Firstenberg is hopeful.
“I am hopeful because I see people walking through these flags and looking down at names and that means they care,” she said. “I really do believe that humanity is going to win out. We just have to highlight it, celebrate it and come to expect it. … And I’m hopeful that this will make people realize that we need to have a better relationship with death and dying. We have to incorporate grief into our understanding of daily life.”
While the unexpected or untimely death of a loved one is one of the most common traumatic events Americans experience, the journey through these events often remain invisible due to a lack of awareness about how policy decisions and institutional processes impact grief and bereavement. 
