Feb 18, 2025 | Community, Family, Grief
Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline: Letting Go of Society’s Expectations
By Nora Biette-Timmons
It’s almost a rite of passage, googling “stages of grief” when you’re grieving, supporting a loved one who’s grieving, or preparing to enter a period of grieving. The idea that there are stages—that we will move through certain emotional states in a particular order—is comforting; it suggests that this pain will someday not only be lessened but over. That’s not the way grief works.
Some models say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Others have sought to inject a bit more nuance into it, with stages that include “the upward turn” and “acceptance and hope,” but these are also inadequate for portraying the journey of grieving, which is neither linear nor the same for each person, nor does it end after a person has experienced a certain set of emotions.
For some, of course, the concept of “stages of grief” may be comforting: to have a heads up about what emotions you may soon feel can help you feel less alone in grief. The “stages” also suggest some communal solidarity in grief; they imply that nearly every other human being has experienced the same turmoil.
But whether you are grieving yourself or supporting a loved one going through grief, it’s important to remember that, despite social—and even medical—expectations, grief is not linear. Especially after losing a loved one, grief is a life-long process, something that ebbs and flows through different stages of life, just like every other emotion.
Where does the idea of linear grief come from?
The “five stages of grief” framework was first put forth by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying, which came out in 1969. At the time, this was a groundbreaking work: Kübler-Ross wrote it based on her experiences working with terminally ill patients, who often told stories of how they were mistreated, ignored, dismissed, or treated inhumanely by medical professionals, which echoes what many bereaved people feel today. The idea that dying carried emotional repercussions and that those emotions ought to be honored and cared for was truly important—but it should be thought of as the starting point for conceiving grief, rather than the be-all-end-all.
However, because grief is messy and throws our regular lives off-kilter, the “stages of grief” idea has developed quite a strong foothold in contemporary Western society because- it treats grief as neater and tidier than it really is, giving people the idea that at some point, things will return to “normal.”
This has, unfortunately, become fairly widespread. When she shared her story with WPSU Penn State’s Speaking Grief documentary, Joyal Mulheron, Evermore’s founder and executive director, said that, after losing her daughter, she found that “everyone [else] has … some sort of internal timestamp where they feel like at this point, you should be doing better.”
And what that actually means for a grieving person can be harmful. “In some cases, I have found that doing better means that you are less inconvenient for someone else or you make them feel less uncomfortable about the loss or the death that you’ve experienced.”
Besides the “stages of grief,” many of us first encounter grief in popular culture—in movies, TV, or books, where there is a definitive beginning, middle, and end. Art and music can be crucial tools in helping grieving people process their loved one’s death and their own feelings, but especially in narrative art and culture, it is difficult to accurately portray the grieving process. For example, we often see grieving people on TV acting out, being destructive, engaging in self-harm, hitting so-called rock bottom—for example, on The OA or Grey’s Anatomy—but then they emerge, recognize their pain, heal, and ta-da, they’re fixed. But that’s not the way grief works in real life; there is no “end,” the way there is in a movie.
On top of that, our contemporary work culture and economy have no room built in for grace, which is one of the many things grieving people need. Many companies offer only a few days off to mourn a loved one; then, a bereaved person must return to work, and be able to still perform at their job as they did before. For the lucky among us, a kind manager and a flexible sick leave policy lessen the whiplash of returning to a “normal” work life—but overall, those are exceptions, not norms.
“Our contemporary society doesn’t respect the need for time. We’re getting more and more rushed, more and more focused on consuming and less and less tolerance for listening,” Ted Rynearson, a psychiatrist whose research focuses on violent death and the unique bereavement experience it conjures, told Speaking Grief. “And so, we hope for and anticipate easy answers, and I think that’s what stages and a lot of the popular books that are written on grief can be very comforting. But they often don’t respect the fact that things are forever changed, and we can’t go through steps to recover.”
Grieving, facing pressure to be “normal,” and needing to perform “being OK,” as Megan Devine so clearly articulated in her bestselling grief book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK.
What happens when we rush grief?
“There are really only two stages of grief; there’s who you were before and who you are after,” Rynearson said.
When we try to rush grief, to move through it too quickly—or to pretend that it’s not happening—we are not acknowledging the true, painful fact that the life of the bereaved person has been irrevocably changed. Ignoring that reality can cause people to feel even more alone and like they do not have the support system they need.
Allowing everyone (including yourself!) to cope with grief at their own pace allows their brain and their body to process grief in the individualized way that is best for that person. Bereavement is associated with poor declines in mental and physical health. Just last week, Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor released her second book, The Grieving Body, detailing the physiological impact of grief on the body. Many experts, including O’Connor, research prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which affects as many as 7 percent of bereaved people, where a grieving person may “get stuck” in their grief.
So, “what constitutes ‘normal’ grief?” psychiatric researchers Sidney Zisook and Katherine Shear asked in a 2009 paper. “There is no simple answer. Grief is different for every person and every loss, and it can be damaging to judge or label a person’s grief, especially during early bereavement.” (You can read their full paper here.)
Letting go of timelines
Speaking from her personal experience, Mulheron said, “Grief is like a volume switch. In the very beginning, it’s very loud. It’s almost so loud that you can’t remember if you’ve eaten, you can’t remember if you’ve showered.”
After a while, the volume dies down: “You work on ways to lower it, and you try to keep it at a manageable volume,” she added, even though, “in the first few years, it remains very high, although it lowers enough that you remember to eat, you remember when you need to shower.”
Imagine a soundwave graph: There are spikes, deep valleys, and levels so consistent they almost look straight. That’s what grief can look like, and there is no guarantee that one reaction will come after another.
For some, obvious manifestations of grief don’t begin until months after losing a loved one, further disproving that there is a single grief timeline for everyone. People can appear and act fine the day or a week after a loss—and suddenly be paralyzed by it in six months’ time. Acute feelings of grief may also reemerge years after loss.
Supporting bereaved people
Ignoring any sense of a timeline, order of emotions, or “appropriate” responses is the best way to start supporting a grieving loved one. Nix social expectations: Focus only on the individual you are caring for. Recognize that their lives are occurring through the filter of grief, whether or not that grief appears obvious to you.
Those you encounter may be grieving in some way that you do not know about—and they may not want to talk about it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t support them.
“Understand that at any time, someone is dealing with something that is creating a barrier, a challenge to their hundred-percent self showing up,” Alesia K. Alexander, an advocate who works with youth who’ve experienced loss, told Speaking Grief. “We can respond to that honestly and openly, then we are really creating that safe environment for sharing.”
On our website, Evermore lists 10 ways you can support a grieving person. The most important thing is to speak up; ignore the awkwardness you feel in addressing someone’s loss or pain. Give people the grace to respond when they are able—which might not be for months or years. But don’t act as if everything is back to normal when you see or talk with them; it never will be because they’ve lost a loved one, and just like Devine says, “that’s OK.”
Feb 1, 2025 | Community, Family, Grief
This list was developed in collaboration with Dr. Donna Gaffney, an expert in children’s grief.
A tragic event is difficult to comprehend for even the most mature, knowledgeable adult. For children and adolescents faced with trying to understand such an overwhelming experience, the task is even more daunting. How can a young person grasp the enormity, meaning, and consequences of an occurrence that brought death, injury, or harm into their life? These are the times, as parents and teachers, when words fail us. Sometimes we are consumed with our own emotions and other times, we cannot seem to begin these important conversations. But literature can give us a starting point. Because stories are a form of medicine. They offer catharsis, they hold a mirror so we can better see our own experiences, and they invite us to question, demand answers, get angry, feel sad, and somehow learn to cope and grow and move forward in our experience. Because books can be such a powerful balm during a time of grief, here’s our list of favorite books for kids and teens that explore the difficult experiences of death, grief, loss, and bereavement.
The Dead Bird by Margaret Wise Brown (Harper-Collins, 2016)
Ages 4 and up
Finding a still warm but dead bird, a group of children give it a fitting burial and every day, until they forget, come again to the woods to sing to the dead bird and place fresh flowers on its grave. An excellent book handling the subject of death in which all young children have a natural interest.
The Heart and The Bottle by Oliver Jeffers (Philomel Books, 2010)
Ages 4 and up
There is a wonder and magic to childhood. We don’t realize it at the time, of course… yet the adults in our lives do. They encourage us to see things in the stars and to find joy in colors and laughter as we play. But what happens when that special someone who encourages such wonder and magic is no longer around? We can hide, we can place our heart in a bottle and grow up… or we can find another special someone who understands the magic. And we can encourage them to see things in the stars and find joy among colors and laughter. This remarkable book is a touching and resonant tale that will speak to the hearts of children and parents alike.
Listen by Holly McGhee (Roaring Book Press, 2019)
Ages 4-7
Experience the power of listening to your heart, paying attention, love, and empathy in Listen, a simple and tender picture book by Holly M. McGhee and Pascal Lemaitre, the creators of the New York Times bestseller Come With Me. The buoyant verses and gentle art show young readers how to connect with the whole world. From exploring sensorial surroundings ― what you see, breathe, hear, taste, and feel ― to becoming aware of our shared experiences.
A Shelter for Sadness by Anne Booth (Peachtree Press, 2021)
Ages 5 and up
A small boy creates a shelter for his sadness so that he can visit it whenever he needs to, and the two of them can cry, talk, or just sit. The boy knows that one day his sadness may come out of the shelter, and together they will look out at the world and see how beautiful it is. In this timely consideration of sadness and mental health, Anne Booth offers a beautiful depiction of how children (and everyone else) must care for their emotions and give attention to their grief on a regular basis.
Sweet Sweet Memory by Jacqueline Woodson and Floyd Cooper (Jump at the Sun, 2007)
Grades K-3
Now that Grandpa’s gone, Sarah tries to remember what he used to say about the garden. Like us, he would tell her, a part of it never dies. Everything and everyone goes on and on. But Sarah feels very sad, even though Grandma and all the relatives are with her, sharing stories and hugs. How can life go on without Grandpa? As summer slips into fall, Grandma and Sarah share a rich garden harvest and their sweet, sweet memories of Grandpa. The stories and memories of loved ones, Sarah learns, are what keeps everything and everyone going on and on. This spare and beautiful picture book balances sadness and mourning with the comforting notion of the continuity of all life.
The Scar by Charlotte Moundic (Candlewick Press, 2011)
Grades K-4
When the boy in this story wakes up to find that his mother has died, he is overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and fear that he will forget her. He shuts all the windows to keep in his mother’s familiar smell and scratches open the cut on his knee to remember her comforting voice. He doesn’t know how to speak to his dad anymore, and when Grandma visits and throws open the windows, it’s more than the boy can take — until his grandmother shows him another way to feel that his mom’s love is near. With tenderness, touches of humor, and unflinching emotional truth, The Scar captures the loneliness of grief through the eyes of a child, rendered with sympathy and charm.
Currently out of print but available in libraries or through sellers like Thiftbooks.com and AbeBooks.
The Color of Absence: 12 Stories About Loss and Hope edited by James Howe (Simon & Schuster)
Grades 6-10
“In adolescence, we feel our losses as if for the first time, with a greater depth of pain and drama than we are aware of having experienced ever before,” writes James Howe in his introduction to this collection of short stories which celebrated fiction authors for young adults explore the many faces of loss — the common thread they share and the hope that is borne through change. Featuring stories by Naomi Shihab Nye, Jacqueline Woodson, Chris Lynch, Walter Dean Myers, Annette Curtis Klause, Norma Fox Mazer, and others.
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (Harper Festival, 2006)
Ages 9 and up
This Newbery Medal-winning novel revolves around two friends. Jess Aarons is eager to start fifth grade and wants to become the fastest runner at school. All seems to be on track, until the new girl in class, Leslie Burke, leaves all the boys in the dust, including Jess. But the two become fast friends and spend most of their days in the woods behind Leslie’s house, where they invent an enchanted land called Terabithia. One morning, Leslie goes to Terabithia without Jess and a tragedy occurs. It will take the love of his family and the strength that Leslie has given him for Jess to be able to deal with his grief. Author Katherine Paterson wrote the book for her son, who lost a friend in a tragic accident at the age of 8.
Ab(solutely) Normal: Short Stories That Smash Mental Health Stereotypes edited by Nora Shalaway Carpenter & Rocky Callen (Penguin Randomhouse, April 2023)
Teen & Young Adults
In this inspiring, unflinching, and hope-filled mixed-genre collection, sixteen diverse and notable authors draw on their own lived experiences with mental health conditions to create works of fiction that will uplift and empower you, break your heart and stitch it back together stronger than before. Through powerful prose, verse, and graphics, the characters in this anthology defy stereotypes and remind readers that living with a mental health condition doesn’t mean that you’re defined by it. Each story is followed by a note from its author to the reader, and comprehensive back matter includes bios for the contributors as well as a collection of relevant resources. A discussion guide for parents, young people, and teachers will be available.
Jan 21, 2025 | Advocacy, Community, Family, Federal Government, Grief, Research
SAMHSA Releases Its First Grief and Bereavement Fact Sheets
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, or “SAMHSA,” has released its first grief and bereavement fact sheets. These fact sheets represent a substantial step forward in the U.S. government, acknowledging the scope and scale of grief and bereavement in American society. Not only are these the first fact sheets from SAMHSA, but these are also the first series of fact sheets by any federal agency and a direct result of the years of engagement you, Evermore’s base, have worked to advance among our federal partners.
The fact sheets include information and tips on supporting bereaved adults and children, including grief reactions, responses, and the varying time frames for grief processing and adaption. The fact sheets also suggest potential coping methods and ways for someone to access additional help.
If you are supporting someone experiencing bereavement and grief, these fact sheets offer tips on what to say and ways to help, as well as identifying warning signs that someone might need further support.
This is another step forward as grief and bereavement are addressed in an evidence-informed fashion in our nation. Way to go, team! 🙌
Jan 21, 2025 | Advocacy, Community, Family, Federal Government, Grief, Research
With Your Generous Support, We Are Making the World a More Livable Place for All Bereaved People
By Joyal Mulheron
Ten years ago, no one talked about bereavement‘s impact on our nation or our lives. Today, bereavement is highlighted in major media outlets, in the halls of Congress, and in our communities. Together, we are making lasting social change for all bereaved people.
Right now, there is no major philanthropist or foundation that funds bereavement policy and systems change. Evermore is only supported by ‘the people.’
It sounds cliché, I know. I, too, receive donation solicitations saying the same thing, but here, for us, for Evermore, it’s true. We are only supported by everyday Americans who believe in our work and the future we envision.
Our work and success would not be possible without your support.
We’ve been able to achieve substantial change on a shoestring budget, but it is just that…a shoestring. As large-scale changes are underway, we are being pulled in more directions than ever to ensure that the foundations of bereavement care and support in America are of the highest quality and meet the needs of all people.
In 2024 alone, Evermore has facilitated America’s:
> First report to Congress on grief and bereavement,
> First federal healthcare report on grief and bereavement (it’s still in progress), and
> First federal meeting on the issue.
Evermore worked with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), the nation’s chief mental health agency, to:
> Recognize National Grief Awareness Week for the first time.
> Release its first webpage on grief and bereavement,
> Host two webinars on the topic, where 2,000 people registered for one webinar!
We partnered with the Social Security Administration and The White House to advance systems that identify and engage orphaned children and their caregivers to confer up to $15 billion in Social Security benefits. Today, more than half of all orphans are not receiving the benefits their parents earned. This needs to change.
👉 If you know a child under the age of 18 who has experienced the death of a parent, they may be eligible for the Social Security benefits their parents earned. You can learn more about this little-known economic benefit here, or you can share Evermore’s guidance on how to navigate the Social Security Administration for obtaining these benefits. Be forewarned, it is a process and we are working to change that.
We launched a bi-weekly scientific newsletter to complement our community newsletter (if you don’t receive our newsletters sign up here). You shared photos of your loved ones, sent us treasured family recipes. You introduced us to important community programming, where Evermore could lend support to programs such as a Hip Hop program in the South Bronx.
With Evermore’s Poet Laureate Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, we hosted poetry workshops that created community poetry and shared your moving personal stories and experiences (you can sign up for our next workshop here).
Evermore launched an initiative to secure bereavement leave for students in post-secondary educational institutions. You’ll hear some exciting updates about this work in 2025.
And, we partnered with Newsweek, spotlighting stories of bereaved parents and how they have coped in the aftermath of their child’s death (if you’re interested in submitting a story, learn more here).
We even hosted our first benefit rock concert with The Bright Light Social Hour, Parker Woodland, and others. I hope you can plan to join us next Fall in Austin, Texas!
Thought leaders and decision-makers are increasingly taking note of the significant transformations that are underway.
Over the last year, our work was featured on PBS NewsHour’s Brief But Spectacular and Harvard’s Public Health magazine, among others.
All of this has been possible because of you and your support.
Thousands of you have believed in our vision and the tomorrow we hold. It has been both humbling and inspiring.
Please consider making a donation today. So many people are relying on us to make the world a more livable place for all bereaved people. 2025 holds so much more, and I can’t wait to share what’s in the works!
Thank you for your encouragement, support, and the opportunity to lead this change.
With love,
Joyal Mulheron
Founder & Executive Director, Evermore
Dec 18, 2024 | Advocacy, Community, Family, Federal Government, Grief, Research
Evermore is Making the World a More Livable Place for All Bereaved People
Fourteen years ago today, I was sitting on my couch, trying to make sense out of what just happened to our family. Our terminally ill daughter, Eleanora, had died a few weeks prior. While others sang holiday songs and gleefully exchanged gifts, it was a profoundly painful, dark, and isolating time for me.
Within a few short years, I quit my career because I saw tragedies saturating our national headlines, leaving a trail of unseen and unsupported bereaved people in their wake, and I believed our nation should prioritize the needs of all bereaved people. Today’s systems and culture kick us while we’re down, all the while telling us to bare-knuckle our way through grief. Then, when we’re feeling defeated and broken, we’re told to be resilient and get back to work. This is what I set out to change.
This year, more than any other, Evermore has made incredible strides in making the world a more livable place for all bereaved people. We grew our community portfolio to support grieving young adults in a Hip Hop program in the South Bronx, hosted poetry workshops with more than 400 people, and launched an initiative to secure bereavement leave for students in post-secondary educational institutions.
We’ve connected with our supporters more than 40,000 times through our newsletter, events, and advocacy. People shared photos of their loved ones and sent us treasured family recipes. Hundreds of us jammed at our very own rock concert with The Bright Light Social Hour and Parker Woodland in Austin, Texas (please come rock out with us next year!).
Evermore’s groundbreaking advocacy efforts resulted in our nation’s first Report to Congress, which provided an overview of grief and bereavement services in the United States. Next year, a report analyzing more than 8,000 scientific studies will be published, reviewing the highest quality interventions for bereaved people — which was championed by Evermore and endorsed by Congress.
SAMHSA, the nation’s mental health agency, recognized National Grief Awareness Week for the first time. It released its first webpage on the topic. It released its first webpage on grief and bereavement and hosted its first two webinars on the topic, where nearly 2,000 people registered for one webinar alone! We partnered with the Social Security Administration and The White House to advance systems that identify and engage parentally bereaved children and their caregivers to confer up to $15 billion in Social Security benefits that are not being conferred to orphaned children today.
Evermore, in partnership with Penn State and the University of California, has original research pending in an esteemed academic journal that identifies key bereavement trends for the first time. We launched a bi-weekly newsletter covering emerging science and trends in bereavement.
We partnered with Newsweek, spotlighting stories of bereaved parents and how they have coped in the aftermath of their child’s death. Our work was featured on PBS NewsHour’s Brief But Spectacular and Harvard’s Public Health magazine, among others.
It’s an incredible feeling to be a part of this. I am honored that you’ve joined me in believing that our nation can do better. What we set out to do is actually happening, and so many lives will be impacted.
Together, Evermore is changing the way our nation prioritizes and attends to grieving and bereaved people.
We already know 2025 will be another year of transformative change (you’ll have to tune in to see what’s around the corner; I’m excited about it).
But I want to be clear. None of this would be possible without your support. Evermore is solely supported by our people, people like you. It is because of your solidarity and support that we have achieved so much. Please consider making a donation this holiday season. Every gift brings us closer to a world where all bereaved people can live vibrant, healthy, and prosperous lives.
Thank you for your support, encouragement, and belief in our work. Together, we are making the world a more livable place for all bereaved people.
With gratitude,
Joyal Mulheron
Executive Director, Evermore
Dec 10, 2024 | Community, Family, Grief
The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, for many reasons. There are the expectations — to participate fully, to spend profligately, to performatively have a good time. But the holidays can also be a wonderful, emotionally fulfilling period of quality time spent with loved ones and opportunities to treat yourself.
Grieving, of course, complicates both the good and the bad of the holiday season. Grief does not go away at this time of year and can, in fact, be heightened; holiday traditions may trigger specific memories of your lost loved one, which can be painful, bittersweet, wonderful — or all three, or some other combination of emotions. What’s important to remember at this time of year (and always) is that grief and bereavement look different for different people at different times. People often talk about “firsts” after a death, such as the first birthday, the first back-to-school season, or the first Christmas without your loved one, because these are moments when the loss can feel especially acute. But even if you’ve already experienced a holiday season (or multiple) since your loved one died, grief is not linear, and you may be dreading this holiday season more than you expected, because you know during this period that the deceased’s absence will be painfully obvious.
According to Mary-Frances O’Connor, a psychologist and author of The Grieving Brain, our traditions are encoded in our brains, and when we come upon one that has been so drastically altered by the irrevocable absence of a loved one, “we can’t function in the world in the same way.”
“Suddenly, every plan that is in place has a hole in it where that person should be,” she told Washington Post columnist Steven Petrow last November, which means our “internal map of the world no longer matches up with the world itself.”
Regardless of where you are in your grief journey, there are ways you can make this holiday season easier on yourself. Below, we share five ways to help you make it through the holidays.
#1. First and foremost, give yourself grace.
Do not be hard on yourself. You may have expectations for how you will react throughout the season, but you might end up feeling totally differently; let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Acknowledge your pain.
“Grief is very tiring and — even under the best of circumstances — holidays are very taxing,” William G. Hoy, a professor of medical humanities at Baylor University, explained in a blog post published by the university last year. Listening to yourself when you need to rest and recuperate is hugely important.
Remember that grief comes in waves, and you may feel multiple different emotions throughout the course of the season, for different reasons.
Megan Devine, an author and grief advocate, reminds us that we can feel multiple, seemingly conflicting emotions at once. “Gratitude and grief don’t cancel each other out, they sit side by side,” she wrote in a blog post about handling Thanksgiving as a grieving person.
Balance out listening to and making space for your emotions.
#2. Don’t isolate yourself.
It’s important to keep track of your social battery and not put yourself in situations where you will be overwhelmed. Interacting with your support system and feeling lifted is an important and you deserve it.
“Being in community with others is very beneficial for your mental health,” Candi Cann, a Baylor religion professor who researches death and dying, said.
Keeping yourself from doing the things you love and being with the people you love may make a bad mental health situation even worse.
To make the best out of these situations and make sure your cup is filled when you do attend social gatherings.
#3. Tell others what you need.
This is important to remember year-round, but especially during what’s often a very busy and emotionally loaded time. Your loved one may be even more in your thoughts than usual; your grief may feel near; or your emotions might shift in any number of other ways. And even if you feel you are usually proactive about telling your support system what you need, the busy-ness of the season — and others’ own emotional shifts during the holidays — means you may need to vocalize your needs more often, in clearer terms, or otherwise differently.
If you don’t have the energy or emotional bandwidth to talk specifically with everyone you love about how they can support you this time of year, Megan Devine has compiled a list of 10 tips for supporting a grieving person that you can share to make sure you’re getting what you need.
#4. Make new traditions
So many of our holiday traditions are place- and event-based, and that can be too hard to stomach when you’re grieving.
Creating a new tradition can be a meaningful solution. That might mean celebrating with different people this year, or traveling to a different place, or even just attending a new holiday event you never went to before.
You need to be able to grieve on your own terms, and if you don’t feel you can do that in your typical holiday situation, give yourself permission to change the program. This can also be freeing: When you’re doing something new, you can’t compare it to previous years.
A new tradition doesn’t mean leaving the person you lost behind, either. There are so many ways you can include their memory, depending on what you choose to do. You can play their favorite song, drink their favorite drink, make the joke they always made… Doing something new doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one; it merely gives you room to breathe.
#5. Share stories about your loved one.
Even though you may be doing something entirely different this year, holding your loved one in your heart — and the hearts of those around you — keeps their memory alive and helps keep them a part of the holiday.
In her blog about how to support a grieving person during the holidays, Devine writes that people should not “be afraid to share memories about [the deceased]. Use their name in conversation” — and that goes just as well for you, the grieving person. They are still a big part of your life, and there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable talking about them.
Sometimes, it might make you emotional to tell these stories, but that’s okay! Ultimately, talking about a person you lost with other loved ones — especially if it’s a recollection the others haven’t heard before — is a meaningful way to connect, acknowledge the loss, and still hold the memories dear.
Resources
Visit our Bookshop page to purchase Mary-Frances O’Connor’s book, The Grieving Brain, and Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK.
