Dec 10, 2024 | Community, Family, Grief
The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, for many reasons. There are the expectations — to participate fully, to spend profligately, to performatively have a good time. But the holidays can also be a wonderful, emotionally fulfilling period of quality time spent with loved ones and opportunities to treat yourself.
Grieving, of course, complicates both the good and the bad of the holiday season. Grief does not go away at this time of year and can, in fact, be heightened; holiday traditions may trigger specific memories of your lost loved one, which can be painful, bittersweet, wonderful — or all three, or some other combination of emotions. What’s important to remember at this time of year (and always) is that grief and bereavement look different for different people at different times. People often talk about “firsts” after a death, such as the first birthday, the first back-to-school season, or the first Christmas without your loved one, because these are moments when the loss can feel especially acute. But even if you’ve already experienced a holiday season (or multiple) since your loved one died, grief is not linear, and you may be dreading this holiday season more than you expected, because you know during this period that the deceased’s absence will be painfully obvious.
According to Mary-Frances O’Connor, a psychologist and author of The Grieving Brain, our traditions are encoded in our brains, and when we come upon one that has been so drastically altered by the irrevocable absence of a loved one, “we can’t function in the world in the same way.”
“Suddenly, every plan that is in place has a hole in it where that person should be,” she told Washington Post columnist Steven Petrow last November, which means our “internal map of the world no longer matches up with the world itself.”
Regardless of where you are in your grief journey, there are ways you can make this holiday season easier on yourself. Below, we share five ways to help you make it through the holidays.
#1. First and foremost, give yourself grace.
Do not be hard on yourself. You may have expectations for how you will react throughout the season, but you might end up feeling totally differently; let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. Acknowledge your pain.
“Grief is very tiring and — even under the best of circumstances — holidays are very taxing,” William G. Hoy, a professor of medical humanities at Baylor University, explained in a blog post published by the university last year. Listening to yourself when you need to rest and recuperate is hugely important.
Remember that grief comes in waves, and you may feel multiple different emotions throughout the course of the season, for different reasons.
Megan Devine, an author and grief advocate, reminds us that we can feel multiple, seemingly conflicting emotions at once. “Gratitude and grief don’t cancel each other out, they sit side by side,” she wrote in a blog post about handling Thanksgiving as a grieving person.
Balance out listening to and making space for your emotions.
#2. Don’t isolate yourself.
It’s important to keep track of your social battery and not put yourself in situations where you will be overwhelmed. Interacting with your support system and feeling lifted is an important and you deserve it.
“Being in community with others is very beneficial for your mental health,” Candi Cann, a Baylor religion professor who researches death and dying, said.
Keeping yourself from doing the things you love and being with the people you love may make a bad mental health situation even worse.
To make the best out of these situations and make sure your cup is filled when you do attend social gatherings.
#3. Tell others what you need.
This is important to remember year-round, but especially during what’s often a very busy and emotionally loaded time. Your loved one may be even more in your thoughts than usual; your grief may feel near; or your emotions might shift in any number of other ways. And even if you feel you are usually proactive about telling your support system what you need, the busy-ness of the season — and others’ own emotional shifts during the holidays — means you may need to vocalize your needs more often, in clearer terms, or otherwise differently.
If you don’t have the energy or emotional bandwidth to talk specifically with everyone you love about how they can support you this time of year, Megan Devine has compiled a list of 10 tips for supporting a grieving person that you can share to make sure you’re getting what you need.
#4. Make new traditions
So many of our holiday traditions are place- and event-based, and that can be too hard to stomach when you’re grieving.
Creating a new tradition can be a meaningful solution. That might mean celebrating with different people this year, or traveling to a different place, or even just attending a new holiday event you never went to before.
You need to be able to grieve on your own terms, and if you don’t feel you can do that in your typical holiday situation, give yourself permission to change the program. This can also be freeing: When you’re doing something new, you can’t compare it to previous years.
A new tradition doesn’t mean leaving the person you lost behind, either. There are so many ways you can include their memory, depending on what you choose to do. You can play their favorite song, drink their favorite drink, make the joke they always made… Doing something new doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one; it merely gives you room to breathe.
#5. Share stories about your loved one.
Even though you may be doing something entirely different this year, holding your loved one in your heart — and the hearts of those around you — keeps their memory alive and helps keep them a part of the holiday.
In her blog about how to support a grieving person during the holidays, Devine writes that people should not “be afraid to share memories about [the deceased]. Use their name in conversation” — and that goes just as well for you, the grieving person. They are still a big part of your life, and there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable talking about them.
Sometimes, it might make you emotional to tell these stories, but that’s okay! Ultimately, talking about a person you lost with other loved ones — especially if it’s a recollection the others haven’t heard before — is a meaningful way to connect, acknowledge the loss, and still hold the memories dear.
Resources
Visit our Bookshop page to purchase Mary-Frances O’Connor’s book, The Grieving Brain, and Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK.
Dec 2, 2024 | Community, Family
As the holidays approach, we often find ourselves looking for recipes that evoke warmth, nostalgia, and a little bit of comfort. Whether it’s a creamy mac and cheese, a delicious bread, or a family recipe passed down through generations, these dishes bring people together. Here are some of my favorite holiday recipes that will make your holiday table shine!
Chef Sebastian’s Mac and Cheese: The Ultimate Comfort Dish
“The holidays are hard, but mac and cheese is good.”
Nothing says comfort like a rich and creamy mac and cheese, and Chef Sebastian’s recipe is a beloved one. This dish is perfect for any family gathering, providing that perfect comfort we all crave during the holidays.
Ingredients:
- Kosher salt
- 1 pound elbow macaroni
- 8 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided
- 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
- 2 cups whole milk
- 12 ounces grated sharp cheddar cheese
- 1 teaspoon Crystal hot sauce
- 1/2 teaspoon mustard powder
- 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/4 teaspoon onion powder
- 1/4 pound grated Gruyère cheese
- 1 cup panko bread crumbs
- 1/2 cup parmesan cheese
- 1/4 teaspoon Italian herbs
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 400°F. Cook macaroni in salted boiling water until al dente, about 2 minutes less than package instructions. Drain and toss with 2 tablespoons butter until melted.
- In a saucepan, melt 2 tablespoons butter, then add flour and whisk to form a paste. Add milk slowly, stirring constantly, until the sauce thickens.
- Add the cheddar cheese and continue whisking until smooth. Stir in hot sauce, mustard, garlic, and onion powder. Season with salt to taste.
- Toss pasta in the cheese sauce, then add Gruyère. Transfer to a baking dish and smooth into an even layer.
- Combine panko, parmesan, Italian herbs, and melted butter. Spread over the pasta and bake for 45 minutes or until browned and bubbling.
- Let rest for 15 minutes before serving.
Kirsten M.’s Bread: A Pandemic Discovery
“Bread is always a winner! During the pandemic, I learned how to make toilet paper and bread. It takes less work than green bean casserole.”
This bread is simple yet delicious and will make your kitchen smell amazing. The long resting time ensures it’s perfectly fluffy with a slight tang.
Ingredients:
- 4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
- Scant 1/2 teaspoon instant yeast
- 2 teaspoons salt
- 2 tablespoons olive oil (optional)
- Cornmeal, semolina, or wheat bran for dusting
Directions:
- Mix flour, yeast, and salt in a bowl. Add 2 cups water and stir until blended. Cover and let rest for about 18 hours.
- Flour your surface and fold the dough once or twice. Let rest for 15 minutes.
- Shape the dough into a ball, then let rise for about 2 hours.
- Preheat oven to 450°F. Heat a covered pot in the oven. Once the dough is ready, turn it into the pot and bake covered for 30 minutes, then uncovered for 20–30 minutes until browned.
- Cool on a rack for at least 30 minutes before slicing.
Grannie’s Thanksgiving Dressing: A Family Heirloom
This recipe is a true family tradition and, though it may seem simple, it’s packed with flavor and love. Grannie’s instructions were always a little loose, but that’s part of the charm.
Ingredients:
- 3 onions
- 6–7 stalks of celery
- 2 packages of yellow corn bread mix
- 1 package Pepperidge Farm seasoned breadcrumbs
- 3–4 slices of bread, dried and crumbled
- Poultry seasoning, salt & pepper to taste
Directions:
- Boil onions and celery until tender.
- Prepare the corn bread according to the package instructions, then crumble it.
- Moisten the corn bread, breadcrumbs, and dried bread with boiling water and turkey juice.
- Add onions, celery, seasoning, and adjust moisture if needed.
- Bake at 350°F for 30–45 minutes until the top is golden brown.
Russ’ Mom’s Cranberry Salad: A Sweet and Savory Classic
“This is from my first love’s mom. I make it every year at Thanksgiving.”
This cranberry salad is tart, sweet, and a perfect balance of textures. It’s a festive side dish that will impress.
Ingredients:
- 1 bag fresh cranberries
- 2 stalks of celery
- Apples, chopped
- Pecans
- 2/3 cup sugar
- 1/2 cup orange juice
- 1 packet unflavored gelatin
Directions:
- Sprinkle sugar over cranberries and let sit.
- Chop apples, celery, and pecans into equal parts.
- Dissolve the gelatin in orange juice by heating it gently.
- Combine all ingredients and chill overnight for the best flavor.
Roasted Vegetables: A Simple Yet Impressive Side
“These roasted vegetables will make it seem like you worked really hard, but they’re simple and delicious.”
This recipe is great for any occasion and looks impressive on the table. The blend of root vegetables and cheese makes it hearty and flavorful.
Ingredients:
- Small potatoes, sweet potato, turnip, rutabaga, garlic, onion, carrots, yellow beets
- White sharp cheddar cheese
- Soy sauce, Bragg’s, or a little water
Directions:
- Cut vegetables into chunks and place in a casserole dish. Add a bit of water and soy sauce, then cover tightly.
- Roast at 450°F for 45 minutes to an hour. Stir in shredded cheese when you remove it from the oven. The cheese will melt into the vegetables, adding an amazing flavor.
Nana’s Pumpkin Bars: A Sweet Holiday Tradition
“Hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving!” – Nana
These pumpkin bars are moist and flavorful, topped with a creamy icing. They’re perfect for a sweet ending to your holiday meal.
Ingredients for Bars:
- 4 eggs
- 1 2/3 cup sugar
- 1 cup vegetable oil
- 15 ounces of pumpkin
- 2 cups of flour
- 2 tsp. baking powder
- 2 tsp. cinnamon
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 tsp. baking soda
Ingredients for Icing:
- 8 ounces of cream cheese
- 1/2 cup softened butter
- 2 cups powdered sugar
- 1 tsp. vanilla
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350°F and prepare a 13×10-inch pan.
- Mix eggs, sugar, oil, and pumpkin until fluffy. Add dry ingredients and mix until smooth.
- Bake for 30 minutes. Let cool before icing.
- Beat together icing ingredients and spread over cooled bars.
Sweet Potato Casserole: A Heartwarming Dish
“This casserole has been part of our holiday table for over 30 years.” – Traci M.
Rich and creamy with a sweet, nutty topping, this sweet potato casserole could easily pass as a dessert!
Ingredients for Filling:
- 3 cups of sweet potatoes
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
- 2 eggs, beaten
- 1/3 cup milk
- 1 tsp vanilla
Ingredients for Topping:
- 1/3 cup unsalted butter, melted
- 1 cup light brown sugar
- 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 cup pecans, chopped
Directions:
- Preheat oven to 350°F. Cook sweet potatoes until tender, then mash with sugar, butter, eggs, milk, and vanilla. Pour into a baking dish.
- Mix topping ingredients and sprinkle over the sweet potatoes.
- Bake for 25 minutes until golden and bubbly.
These recipes will surely bring joy to your holiday celebrations. Whether you’re cooking for a crowd or enjoying a quiet family dinner, these dishes offer warmth, flavor, and that special touch that makes holiday meals memorable. Enjoy!
Nov 25, 2024 | Advocacy, Federal Government
Right now, the Social Security Administration (SSA) is soliciting public comments on the use and conversation of Social Security benefits and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments for foster children, including those who are orphaned. Your comments are important, and you can take action by re-submitting Evermore’s formal comments to the SSA, which recommends the federal agency focus on three priorities:
1) Address under-enrollment in both Social Security benefits and SSI, as only half of children receive the benefit,
2) Prioritize child survivorship programs and benefits as an SSA top priority and
3) Enhance state support by offering technical assistance, educational offerings, and related services to upskill community organizations, agency staff, and other key leaders in children’s lives on the importance of Social Security benefits and SSI.
According to experts, more than half of orphans in the United States (children who have experienced the death of one or both parents before their 18th birthday) are not receiving the Social Security benefits that they are eligible to receive. These benefits are often a result of hard-earned taxpayer dollars by a child/ren’s parents, who anticipated these benefits would be conferred to their child/ren upon death. If current trends hold true, then upwards to $15,000,000,000 is not being conferred to orphaned children annually.
Evermore believes it is incumbent that SSA prioritizes orphanhood benefits, find these children, and confer the benefits that are rightfully theirs, thus offering them a future as healthy and prosperous as their non-bereaved counterparts. Indeed, it is our moral obligation to do so.
By following the link below, you may re-submit Evermore’s comments and include your own story or rationale as to why this is an important concern. Every comment matters. Please submit your comments today. SSA will stop accepting comments on Monday, December 2, 2024.
Resources:
Read the federal solicitation here: Request for Information: Use and Conservation of Social Security Benefits and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) Payments That Representative Payees Receive for Beneficiaries Residing in Foster Care
Nov 12, 2024 | Advocacy, Appropriations, Federal Government, Grief
With Evermore’s support and encouragement, Congress passed the Consolidated Appropriations Act of 2023, directing the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to produce a report on the need for bereavement and grief services in the United States. Last week, just prior to the national election, the report was released to the public. To our knowledge, it is the first report by the U.S. and a direct result of Evermore’s leadership.
The report examined the scope of need for quality grief services, assessed the demand for such services, and provided a holistic evaluation of affected populations. This included identifying necessary interventions for specific groups, such as healthcare workers and other impacted demographics, and assessing the prevalence of conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complicated grief (CG). Additionally, the role of hospice programs in offering community bereavement support was underscored as essential to addressing these growing needs.
Findings from an environmental scan and interviews with experts, including researchers, advocates, and clinicians, reveal that grief responses are complex and vary widely. Approximately 10% of bereaved adults develop prolonged grief disorder (PGD) or CG, though contributors suggest these figures might be underestimated due to diagnostic complexities and overlapping mental health issues. PGD frequently co-occurs with PTSD, depression, and substance use disorder, posing challenges for treatment. Children, caregivers, veterans, and individuals who experience traumatic loss are among those most affected by PGD. Effective support services span from traditional therapy to music therapy, emphasizing trauma-informed care, while schools and mental health settings serve as critical sites for identifying those in need.
The report highlights hospice as a crucial service in promoting healthy bereavement by offering anticipatory support and post-loss coping mechanisms. However, concerns about access inequities and the shift toward for-profit hospice models were noted. Systemic factors like race and socioeconomic status also influence access to bereavement services, with disparities particularly prominent for communities of color. Although the COVID-19 pandemic has increased awareness around grief and reduced stigma, it has also amplified service demands, especially in underserved communities. Many contributors support a more comprehensive approach to grief that goes beyond medicalization, advocating for a nuanced understanding of grief’s social and cultural dimensions.
The report suggests that current bereavement services are fragmented and inequitable, with a need for a more comprehensive, less medicalized approach to grief support. Recommendations include enhancing healthcare systems, improving access to services, and addressing the inequities in bereavement support.
Resources:
Read the full Report to Congress: An Overview of Bereavement and Grief Services in the United States here.
Evermore’s groundbreaking advocacy efforts resulted in our nation’s first Report to Congress, which provided an overview of grief and bereavement services in the United States. Next year, a report analyzing more than 8,000 scientific studies will be published, reviewing the highest quality interventions for bereaved people — which was championed by Evermore and endorsed by Congress. 
We partnered with Newsweek, spotlighting stories of bereaved parents and how they have coped in the aftermath of their child’s death. Our work was featured on PBS NewsHour’s Brief But Spectacular and Harvard’s Public Health magazine, among others.