Domestic Violence and Homeless Shelter Staff
Shelter staff serve families whose physical and emotional reserves are already depleted — and a death makes those demands more acute.
Bereaved individuals in shelter care deserve the same compassion, dignity, and practical responsiveness as anyone else who has lost someone important to them.
Regardless of how or when an individual or family entered the shelter care system, their physical and emotional well-being is fragile. A death makes them more so. Your interactions can have a powerful and lasting impact. Be attentive to family members’ preferences and unmet needs as a way to engage more effectively.
How bereavement affects brain function
Bereavement impairs memory, concentration, and the ability to process and retain information. The people you serve may struggle to absorb what you tell them in the moment. Slow down, keep communications clear, and provide written information whenever possible.
Repeating information
Bereaved people often need to hear the same information more than once before they can recall it. Expect to repeat key facts two or three times, and expect families to call back with questions you have already answered. Answering again without signaling impatience is one way to be supportive.
How children understand death
A child’s understanding of death develops with age. Younger children may not grasp that death is permanent and will ask the same questions repeatedly; school-age children understand permanence and often begin to worry about who else might die. Match your language to the child’s stage, and expect to repeat yourself without correcting them.
Practical Tips
Say the name.
Confirm pronunciation and ask whether there is a preferred name or nickname. Using the deceased’s name honors them and their importance to the family.
Handle changes in eligibility status with care.
If the death affects the family’s eligibility to remain at the shelter, communicate this clearly — but not immediately. Advocate for a compassionate timeline that allows the family to find and transition to alternative arrangements.
Attend to family dynamics.
Where physical and emotional safety can be assured, help identify family conflicts that may have arisen before or after the death.
Acknowledge the loss and listen
Bereaved individuals often feel personally responsible for the death, regardless of circumstances. Listen and help redirect away from guilt and self-blame.
Monitor for increased substance use.
Increases in substance and alcohol use following a death are common. Identifying concerning trends and facilitating access to resources can help prevent poor health outcomes.
Honor cultural and religious traditions
Be responsive to how cultural and religious practices influence the bereavement process. Avoid expressions such as “God only gives you what you can handle.”
Listen without an agenda./strong>
Giving people the space to talk — or not — can be a tremendous relief. There are no words that resolve loss. Listening without judgment is what people need.
Serve as an advocate.
Where appropriate, advocate for the family’s needs with healthcare providers, schools, or other organizations.
Connect families to resources.
Provide written information about mental health professionals with bereavement expertise and other available resources. Most people are not ready for long-term mental health engagement for six to nine months following a death.
Caring for yourself
Taking care of yourself is fundamental to your work and to your long-term health. The effects of sustained exposure to stress, death, and trauma are not only psychological — they are physical. Sleep disruption, immune dysfunction, cardiovascular strain, and cumulative emotional fatigue are occupational realities in roles like yours.
Practical steps matter. Getting enough sleep, drinking water, moving your body, and spending time with people you care about are not small things. Reaching out to a mental health professional is not a sign of weakness. These are acts of professional maintenance. Caring for yourself makes you better able to do your work.
Reframe common questions
“How are you doing?” can be reframed as “How are you coping?” — which acknowledges the weight of what the person is carrying. It may be more helpful to say “I have been thinking of you” or to make a specific offer rather than a general one.
Do not ask how the person died
What matters is that they died, not how. Asking can force bereaved people to relive the most painful details of their experience.
Say the name
Using the name of the deceased acknowledges the importance of their life. Confirm pronunciation and ask whether there is a preferred name or nickname. Do not worry about reminding them — they are already thinking about it.
All deaths are not equivalent
Resist any urge to share your own experience of death or to compare one loss to another. Every experience of loss is different. If you have experienced a death yourself, you may offer a private moment to share — but be sensitive to the impact on both of you.
Bereavement lasts a long time
Bereaved people will not be feeling better in a few weeks, or even in a year. Adjusting to a significant loss takes years. Their lives are permanently changed.
It is their story, not yours
Being a consistent, non-judgmental presence — without redirecting attention to yourself — is one of the most valuable things you can offer.
Professional Resources
Resources
For grieving people and those who support them
10 Ways to Support
10 Ways to Support a Grieving Person
Bereavement 101
Find a space that suits you and your work.
Community Homepage
Information for professionals who serve bereaved people
From Evermore Blog
Five Important Questions About FMLA and Bereavement Leave
