Childcare Providers
Childcare providers are trusted daily presences in children’s lives — and that trust becomes even more significant after a death.
Bereaved children need consistency, age-appropriate honesty, and a safe place to simply be a child.
When there is a death within your childcare community — whether a child in your care, a member of a child’s family, or a member of your staff — you must manage the behavioral responses of the children and families you serve, in addition to your own potential response and that of your colleagues. This can be a heavy burden.
Grace and patience with children, families, colleagues, and yourself will be critical in the days, weeks, and months that follow.
How bereavement affects brain function
Bereavement impairs memory, concentration, and the ability to process and retain information. The people you serve may struggle to absorb what you tell them in the moment. Slow down, keep communications clear, and provide written information whenever possible.
Cultural and religious practices
Honoring cultural and religious practices respects family values and mourning rituals, reduces trauma, and builds trust. Practices vary widely — in the timing of burial, who cares for the body, whether the name of the deceased is spoken aloud, and how long formal mourning lasts. Ask the family what matters to them rather than assuming, and follow their lead.
How children understand death
A child’s understanding of death develops with age. Younger children may not grasp that death is permanent and will ask the same questions repeatedly; school-age children understand permanence and often begin to worry about who else might die. Match your language to the child’s stage, and expect to repeat yourself without correcting them.
Practical Tips
When you are caring for bereaved children
Use clear, age-appropriate language.
The concept of death evolves as children age. Follow expert guidance on how to talk about death with children. Saying that the deceased is “sleeping,” for example, can cause a bereaved child to fear sleep.
Reassure children that they are not responsible.
From a young age, it is common for children to feel they caused the death of their loved one. Repeating clearly that they are not to blame is important.
Assure families of their child’s safety.
Begin every call to a bereaved family with “Hi, it’s [your childcare] — and your child is safe.” Then transition to the subject of the call.
When a child in your care has died
Send a condolence card.
Upon learning of the death, your facility should send a card to the family promptly.
Say the child’s name.
Confirm pronunciation with the parent or caregiver and ask whether there is a preferred name. Using the name honors the child and their importance.
Invite families to key events — with care.
As the year continues, ask whether the family would like to be included in ceremonies or activities that might acknowledge their child. Some will welcome it. Others will not. Follow their lead.
Handle belongings with sensitivity.
Ask families how and when they would like to receive their child’s belongings. Do not make this decision without them.
Caring for yourself
Taking care of yourself is fundamental to your work and to your long-term health. The effects of sustained exposure to stress, death, and trauma are not only psychological — they are physical. Sleep disruption, immune dysfunction, cardiovascular strain, and cumulative emotional fatigue are occupational realities in roles like yours. Practical steps matter.
Getting enough sleep, drinking water, moving your body, and spending time with people you care about are not small things. Reaching out to a mental health professional is not a sign of weakness. These are acts of professional maintenance. Caring for yourself makes you better able to do your work.
Reframe common questions
“How are you doing?” can be reframed as “How are you coping?” — which acknowledges the weight of what the person is carrying. It may be more helpful to say “I have been thinking of you” or to make a specific offer rather than a general one.
Do not ask how the person died
What matters is that they died, not how. Asking can force bereaved people to relive the most painful details of their experience.
Say the name
Using the name of the deceased acknowledges the importance of their life. Confirm pronunciation and ask whether there is a preferred name or nickname. Do not worry about reminding them — they are already thinking about it.
All deaths are not equivalent
Resist any urge to share your own experience of death or to compare one loss to another. Every experience of loss is different. If you have experienced a death yourself, you may offer a private moment to share — but be sensitive to the impact on both of you.
Bereavement lasts a long time
Bereaved people will not be feeling better in a few weeks, or even in a year. Adjusting to a significant loss takes years. Their lives are permanently changed.
It is their story, not yours
Being a consistent, non-judgmental presence — without redirecting attention to yourself — is one of the most valuable things you can offer.
Professional Resources
Resources
For grieving people and those who support them
10 Ways to Support
10 Ways to Support a Grieving Person
Bereavement 101
Learn more about the basics of bereavement
Community Homepage
Information for professionals who serve bereaved people
